What England does to me

When my sister had Max, I told my parents they'd
better buy me a Macbook Pro or a puppy, otherwise
I'd start suffering from jealously and sibling rivalry.

They didn't get me either, so I kicked off.

I didn't, obviously, but recently I started doing some
thinking, about how my life didn't turn out quite as
spectacularly as I'd planned and all.

And how some tiny part of me still believes I might
one day get to grow up on a farm, or learn piano,
or start my own zoo.

So I've selected the three most tragic events of my
23 years, which I think are responsible for my failures.

Truely, this is as bad as my life has thus far got.

My ultimate dream, as it happens, was to own a dog
of my own. As a kid, I really believed that if I was
allowed a dog, my entire life would simply fall into
place. I'd be happy and willing to succeed, because
this simple dream had been granted.

And after much begging and pleading, my wish was
granted! Enter Ella, yellow labrador cross polar bear.

Thus begins life failure part one.

Despite mine and Ella's obvious disdain for each other,
despite the fact that she ripped all my clothes, chewed
on my arms and attacked my face, my parents would not
get rid of her.

Ella is still here, and although she no longer attacks me,
we have NEVER, in her 10 years, got along. For a long
time I went off animals, despite the fact that before this,
I dreamed of being a vet. If we'd never got Ella, that
might have happened.

Life failure part two is a tale of misplaced blame and
mean spirited adults.

When I was 10 I rode my sisters bike down the road. It
was too big for me but I was still going pretty fast. Some
stupid woman a few houses down pulled out of her drive,
at speed, and hit me. My sisters bike and I landed on the
bonnet with a pretty impressive bang.

The stupid woman, evidently full of concern, asked me
where I lived and walked beside me as I slowly, and with
difficulty, pushed the twisted bike home, blood pouring
out of my nose. I mean, she could of helped, right?

My mum cleaned up my blood, thanked the woman for
not killing me, and I was made to feel very bad indeed
for causing inconvenience to the poor witch. She hit ME.
A 10 year old! She didn't even look! Yet this has always,
somehow, been my fault.

The final reason I'm a failure involves the loss of loved
ones.

My ducks; Yellow and Grey. I had Yellow and Grey
from day one. I built an incubator out of a £5 propegater
from B&Q. I attached a light bulb and spent 30 long days
keeping the temperature and humidity perfect. And I
mean PERFECT. One degree off meant death.

Holding a hatching egg in your hand, one that you've
watched over for a month, is literally pretty cool.

Those ducks were my one major achievement, and
I loved them more than anything. They ruined our
garden, but they were mine and they were happy.

Then my parents decided to get an extension, and
having ducks in the garden was no longer allowed.

They went to live with some woman on a farm, and
I don't know how long they lived. They could still
be there, for all I know. I think about my ducks
every day, and I want them back.


I'm actually not a mentalist, I'm just bored.

Max

I have a nephew! He is called Max.

I haven't met him yet, because he only got born
last night. I'm quite excited though, I sure hope
he likes me.

My laptop, which went into a coma in Cambodia,
has been officially pronounced dead. It's the
motherboard, so that means I get to buy a new one!

New baby, new laptop. I don't know which I'm
looking forward to the most.

Blahh

Hello.

I'm getting really rubbish at this blog thing, mainly
because I'm home now and nothing happens anymore.

I got home last week. On Saturday. I don't particularly
want to be home, but I do want to be here when my
sister has a baby, which will be any day now.

Since my last blog Will and I spent 9 days in Siem Reap,
Cambodia. Seriously, never spend that long in SR. The
temples were nice and everything, but what else is there
to do? Nothing, is the answer to that.

Apart from visit a floating village, get ripped off and buy
tonnes of crap in the markets.

But I saw Angkor Wat, so I'm happy.

Then we spent about 4 nights in Kuala Lumpur. We stayed
in China Town, which is meant to be the cheapest area.
Although in the end we payed a load of money for a nice
hotel because the rest were disgusting. We forked out
18 quid a night for the pleasure of not getting bed bugs.

We met up with Graham, from Samui, one night, and had
Chinese food and lots of expensive drinks until we got thrown
out of the bar.

Other stuff happened. Then I got on an aeroplane which would
drop me off at Stansted 13 hours later.

Will stayed.

I do miss being away. I miss seeing new things.

Kirsten and I have booked a holiday to Rhodes for the
16th September. Plus me and dad are going to maybe
spend a week walking Hadrien's Wall. It's 89 miles long!

Plus I may be going to Italy in October.

So things aren't totally shitty. What's with this English
summer though. I have to wear a coat when I go out!

And SHOES. I hate shoes!